We made it through the holidays!

Christmas has come and gone, and as far as my extended family knows, we are still a happy family (picture me up-chucking right about now).  

Actually, if you didn't know what was going on in our lives, you wouldn't know.  To our neighbors, our coworkers, and many of our family and friends, our life appears to be blissful.  Two beautiful children, a beautiful home, good jobs...  Just a few weeks ago, a coworker of mine commented about what a perfect family I have.  I smiled and said thank you, then turned and rolled my eyes.  

We are still living together, still going through the motions of daily life, and even laughing together at times.  We picked out and decorated a Christmas tree as a family, took our kids to see Santa at the mall, and sent out picture-perfect holiday cards.  My plan was to keep up the act until after the holidays.  Now that they are almost over, I will have to crawl out of my deep dark hole of denial and face the reality that my perfect family is broken.  But I like this hole.  Someone may have to drag me out, and hopefully I won't get buried in the dirt.

It seems I am living a life somewhat parallel to that of Elin Nordegren.  Okay, maybe not exactly parallel.  My husband and I are not rich, hot, or famous.  We are ordinary people.  But like Tiger, I think my husband thought he could  have his cake and eat it too.  And he did not think he would get caught.  He loved  his family and his women.  And I would probably find out about more women if they were paid to speak to the tabloids.  I was pleased to read reports that Elin plans to leave Tiger.  For some reason, that gives me a little more strength, a little more justification that leaving is the right thing to do (on some days, I still need someone to hit me with a 2x4).  Unfortunately, I will not walk away with millions of dollars as Elin will. 

Recent phone records indicate all communication has ceased between my husband and the stripper.  Thank God!  If he let someone like that into his life on a more permanent basis, we would be battling it out in court big-time, for the kids' sake.

In a last-ditch effort to save my marriage, I asked my husband if he would be willing to take a lie-detector test to prove that he was faithful during our first 10 years.  He laughed uncomfortably and asked why I would want him to do that.  I explained that if he could prove that he's only messed up more recently and that it's not a chronic problem, maybe we could work through things with enough counseling.  He changed the subject.  Of course, that should tell me everything I need to know but don't want to admit.  He would not pass a lie detector test.  If he had nothing else to hide, he would make his own appointment in order to save the marriage.  I cried with this realization, all night long, and showed up at work the next day with puffer-fish eyes.  At the same time, I felt relief that I had my answer.  Unfortunately, I couldn't leave well enough alone, and I asked him the next day to answer "yes" or "no," "Will you take a lie detector test?" and he answered, "yes."  WTF?  He hasn't brought it up since, nor have I.  Instead, we continue living our little lie... him sleeping in the spare bedroom each night while I fall asleep alone and wake up to my son cuddled next to me in my bed (he's been sneaking in in the middle of the night).  

Our plan as of now is to put our house on the market in March, and begin the divorce process once we accept an offer.  If it takes too long for our house to sell, we will start divorce proceedings earlier.  If for some reason he has a big change of heart and begs for my forgiveness, asks to take a lie-detector test, etc., everything may get put on hold.  I want nothing more than to keep my family together, but not at my own risk.  

Now, I will climb deeper into my hole, because I am so, so scared to climb out and see what is on the other side.  2x4, anyone?  

No Remorse

I checked the phone records the other night and discovered he is STILL texting the stripper.  There was a 12-day reprieve after I found out, and then they resumed their contact.  Yes, I did make it very clear to him that it is over, but if he had any remorse at all, wouldn't he take a break from it all?  Think about his kids and everything he has to lose?  But no, he is still texting her things like "I miss you babe.  I just want u to want me."  Puke.  I want to get divorced RIGHT NOW!!!  I cannot stand having to live another minute with this a-hole.  I want to move on and find my happy ending.  

The Ultimate Betrayal

It has been almost two weeks now since my world once again came crashing down. Some may deny me any pity, seeing as how I didn't run like hell in February, but I am throwing myself the pity party I never wanted or deserved. How did I find out this time? A combination of listening to my intuition and using my private investigator skills (which are quite good, actually).

Last Monday night, Bill went out for a drink with his friend Nick. At about 10:30 PM, I tried to call him, but he did not answer. Right away I had that something's-not-right feeling. Bill always has his phone on vibrate, always in his pocket, and always answers. I managed to call him four or five more times in the next 10 minutes. I sent him a text asking him where he was. Then I sent a text to Nick asking him if he was with Bill.

Bill finally texted back: "Saw that you called. What's up?" I called again and he answered, claiming he and Nick were just leaving the sports bar. I told him to put Nick on the phone, and he said Nick had already driven away. Bill had originally stated he was meeting Nick because Nick wanted to talk about some family issues he was having. I asked Bill how the conversation was: Bill said Nick didn't really open up. I asked him what they did then, if they didn't really talk, and he said they watched the football game. I asked him who played and he said "Oh my gosh, I can't remember. I've had like 5 beers and I'm feeling a little drunk." Yeah, right.

At that point I hung up the phone and texted Nick, asking him where he and Bill had gone. I immediately called Bill back and told him to stay on the phone with me until he got home. I didn't want to provide him with the opportunity to give Nick a heads up. A few minutes later, Bill hung up the phone. When I called him back, he asked, "What happened? Did your phone cut off?" Nice try.

He stayed on the line until he entered the front door. I ran to the entry-way and grabbed his phone from him. Right on the screen (about to be deleted by him before I snatched the phone) was a text message from the other woman: "Looking good tonight hottie" with a response from him: "I want u so bad." "WTF?" I asked. The girl (we'll call her Shana) was someone I knew, the ex-girlfriend of one of Bill's friends. The couple had been in our home on more than one occasion. Bill explained that he had gone to the strip club where she apparently works (WTF?) to sell her a pair of sunglasses, and that the text messages were flirtatious and out-of-line but that nothing had happened. Obvious BS.

I yelled a few choice words to him, left the house (with his phone), and drove to my friend's house. We proceeded to log-in to his facebook account and watched in horror as he instant-messaged one of his friends saying things like, "Shit, we have to warn Shana. Can you get ahold of her at the club? My wife has my phone, we have to warn her!" etc. I waited until 3 AM and sent Shana a text from Bill's phone, saying, "Kim knows." She fell for it and we proceeded to have a lengthy text conversation in which she said things like "You told her? Now she knows I'm a stripper? Babe, what are we going to do? You can move in with me if she kicks you out! What's going to happen between us?" If I wanted to vomit last time, I wanted to hurl it to the moon this time.

I called Shana from my phone and told her to call me. She left me a message a few hours later. I then texted her to get some details, and found out it started two weeks prior to last Monday, that they had slept together once, that they did NOT use a condom (what is he thinking???), and that there was a lot of sexting in-between.

Needless to say, it is now over between my husband and I. For now, we are living as roommates, until we can figure things out. I need financial stability and help with the kids for now, but I plan on being divorced by summer. I don't think I'll ever trust again...

He Did It Again

Yes, almost exactly nine months after I discovered his last affair, he did it again.  This time it was with his friend's ex-girlfriend, who now happens to be a stripper.  I don't really have the energy to post the entire story at the moment, but I will update later.  I think I know which road I am taking now, and it will not be an easy one.  Please pray for me and my family.  

Wedding Disaster

So my hubby and I were super excited for an overnight getaway to attend a wedding, but instead of a romantic evening together, we had one of our biggest fights yet.

It all started off well.. the wedding was beautiful, we reconnected with old friends, and the wine and beer flowed at the reception hall.  Although I was enjoying myself in the beginning, I found myself envious of the couples surrounding us.  Once again, I was reminded that the subtle displays of love - stolen glances, the brush of a hand across a back, admiring smiles - are missing from my relationship.  There was one couple in particular who caught my eye.  If only our relationship could be like theirs, I thought...

Well, looks can be deceiving.  I learned later that night that He had cheated on Her a few years ago.  She said she was able to forgive and forget.  I cannot.  But I was grateful to be reminded that all of the "perfect" marriages out there probably are not as perfect as I think.

Anyway... my husband and I both consumed more than one too many drinks.  He made an unkind comment that offended me, and I wandered off into the parking lot to call my best friend for a venting session.  Unfortunately, I have a hard time seeing one incident as just one incident - instead, I have a tendency to remember every little thing that I do not like about my husband and our relationship.  This, of course, meant I started dwelling upon the affair.  My husband walked over and eventually apologized, and all was well for awhile, until I happened upon my husband's best friend from college.  We'll call  him "Ted."

I asked Ted if  we could chat and proceeded to ask him if he knew if my husband had ever been unfaithful before his most recent affair.   His response:  "I don't think that's an appropriate question for you to be asking me."  When I continued to badger him, he said "Well, as far as his escapades, I don't know, he never says anything to me."  When I asked for details, I got nothing. Finally, he said "Well, we all know what a big flirt he is and that he says inappropriate things to women sometimes.  Like tonight, when he was flirting with the bartender and told her she was hot."  What????  At this point, I really flipped out.  Why would a husband who is supposed to be doing everything he can to prove his faithfulness tell the bartender she is hot?  OMG, what a scumbag!

This led to massive tears on my part, an uncomfortable situation between my husband and Ted, a public display of drunken arguing that will leave me forever embarrassed, and complete honesty on my part.  I told my husband that part of me hates him, and that I really don't think I will ever trust him again.  He told me he could not remember flirting with the bartender, but admitted he was so drunk that he couldn't deny it either.

When we got back to our hotel room, we talked a bit, but I was saddened once again as I realized my marriage as I once knew it truly is over.  My lingerie stayed packed in the suitcase, and we eventually fell asleep, both of us restless.

The next morning we talked more soberly about our situation.  He knows he was already on thin ice and that now the ice is cracking.  

Only God knows what the future holds for us.  Hopefully a happily ever after ending eventually, whether or not things work out between us.  Until next time... 

Our Vacation

Well, we managed to leave our children home with the grandparents last week so we could fly to hot, hot, hot AZ for a vacation with some friends.  I was really hoping the trip would help me feel more connected to my hubby, but instead it made me yearn for what I will never have.  We spent some time with our friends' parents and some of their friends.  One of the lovely ladies, Bonnie, told me the love story that belongs to her and her husband, who died last year.  She talked about how much they worked as a team, how they hated to be apart, how much they made each other laugh through good times and bad, and how hard it's been to move on without him...  It made me sad.  I don't think I will ever have that type of love story, especially now.  I also watched our friends (who are married) throughout the week, and was jealous of the affection they shared with one another.  In the pool, they were almost always in each other's arms, and their love seemed so real - a love that is bound to stand the test of time.  

I believe I deserve a love like that.  A lifetime lived with my best friend and soul mate. Memories to cherish and pass on to my children and grandchildren.  A beautiful story to tell when I'm old and grey and staring at a worn photo of my wedding day.  So why did my life have to  take this ugly turn instead?   Yes, it might still be possible for me to find true love, but only at the risk of hurting my children by tearing our family apart.  Either way, my husband has stripped me of the happy ending I truly deserve.  

To all the cheaters out there...

and wow, statistics say there really are a lot of you!  I would love to hear your comments on the questions I am about to post.  

1.  Did you take your wedding vows knowing that you would likely cheat one day, or did you at one point in your life think cheating was something you'd never do?

2.  If you are a "serial cheater," why not just end your marriage and live the single life?  Or talk to your husband/wife about having an open marriage?  Why all the deception? 

3.  Do you think about the consequences of your cheating, or just tell yourself you'll never get caught so it doesn't matter?  One of the biggest problems I had with my husband cheating is knowing that he was willing to risk his family for a few nights of self-indulgence.  When we sat down and had the conversation of what his life would really be like without me and the kids, he admitted he hadn't really thought about it.  He was caught up in the fantasy.  The reality of a life with Tramp would not have lived up to the fantasy.

4.  Do you / did you use protection?  My husband did not.

5.  How would you react if you discovered your spouse was cheating on you?  

I sometimes still feel like a fool for not leaving yet.  The wool could get pulled over my eyes very easily once again:  maybe it's already there.  If my husband cheats again there is a good chance I might not find out, since he has become wise to my now-investigative ways.  So yes, I understand that for him, and for many of you, cheating is like "having your cake and eating it too."  What I do not understand is why it is worth the risk and why you would not just end things with your spouse so that he/she could have a new chance at finding love and happiness.   

  

Oh, the drama...

Life can be so dramatic, and I'm not even a drama queen!  My life seems to be playing itself out like a movie-script right now:  girl with tumultuous yet overall happy childhood marries insecure wanna-be-movie-star (have I mentioned that yet?), wanna-be cheats after birth of second child, girl-turned-woman cries internally but puts on a good show for the world, girl-turned woman has a chance encounter with ex-boyfriend/lost love and is swept off her feet and into the sunset for a happily ever after ending...

Okay, okay, so it didn't happen quite like that, BUT I did run into my ex-boyfriend while I was out with a friend for a drink.  This is the man whose heart I broke over twelve years ago after three years of dating.  The man who I always thought I would end up marrying, even AFTER I broke up with him.  The man whose engagement news made me cry.  The man with whom I envisioned having a romantic and sappy surprise reunion on Oprah someday.  One look at him and I was swept back into time, in a way that made me question everything around me.  He looked great, conversation flowed, and it wasn't long before I found out he and his wife are filing for divorce.  He wants kids, she does not.  All I could think was, "Is this fate?"  What is the likelihood that we would both have marriage troubles at exactly the same time and then run into each other?  After our run-in, my friend asked, "How did you not end up marrying  him?  He is soo your type.  You guys would be perfect together.  I love him!"  Since that night, we have texted in a strictly friendly manner a few times, but we are both people with high morals and straight priorities, so unless or until I get divorced, I will never know whether or not we could make a second go of things.

More drama, but not as much fun as the above, involves the job my husband recently quit.  Him quitting was a great thing:  it means no more manager's meetings where he would be thrown into the path of temptation (Tramp), no more atmosphere promoting a young, hip, hot image, and no more BS from his district manager.  He was offered a better job with a better company and the potential for wonderful future promotions.  However, after he quit, he received word that he would have to pay back the company $6,000 (!!!) in bonus money.  Yikes!  That is a LOT of money for anyone, and I freaked out when I found out.  Fortunately, my husband was able to earn about $4,000 by selling some of his more frivolous belongings, so the damage to our account was more like $2,000, which was still a big hit but left us with enough money to hopefully survive the summer.  There is NO WAY I could leave right now, even if I wanted to!

And boy oh boy, did I ever think I wanted to leave a couple of weeks ago.  I borrowed my husband's car, and decided to snoop around a bit.  It didn't take long before I found a cell phone in his trunk, hidden underneath a piece of paper and some swimming trunks.  My heart was beating out of my chest as I tried to turn it on.  Unfortunately for me, the phone was dead.  I slipped the phone into my purse and searched the house later that day in hopes of finding a charger.  When I could not find one, I went to the mall to purchase one.  I plugged it in, turned it on, and starting searching, but... nothing.  No service, no texts, no unrecognized numbers in the call logs, no damaging evidence.  I think part of me was hoping to find something, anything, that might give me that extra push to leave, and although I was very relieved to find nothing, a tiny fraction of my heart was disappointed (perhaps the fraction that is still in love with my ex?).  In fact, the phone had not been used since the end of October, and I'm pretty sure that is when we got new phones, so I think I simply found his old phone.  Why he would bury it in his trunk is beyond me, but I carefully put it back in hopes that if he ever has a REAL secret phone, this might be where he would hide it.    

On a positive note, we celebrated our fifth anniversary this weekend, and had a fabulous time together.  We are also taking a vacation in August (free accommodations and cheap air-fare), which I think will be a great way for us to see if we can reconnect more and for me to see if I can get back some of that lovin' feeling (I think I've lost it, really).  

Until next time... 

I'm back!

Wow, I cannot believe a month has passed since I last posted!  It has been busy... job changes for my husband, the death of a coworker, a whirlwind of emotions, but still no decision in sight for me.  I'm sorry I haven't updated in awhile, and I apologize again because I do not have time to write much now, but I PROMISE to fill you in sometime this week, when my husband goes back to work.  He's been off for the last two weeks, and for obvious reasons I do not want him to know about the existence of this blog, so I have to write on the sly.  So check back this week to find out about the cell phone I found in my husband's trunk, the $6,000 we have to pay his old company, and my run-in with an ex.  Until then...

Trickle-Truth

If you have been cheated on, you have most certainly heard the term "trickle-truth," and have probably experienced its meaning firsthand.  I tried to find an actual Webster-style definition on-line and could not find one, so I have created my own:

Trickle-truth (trik el - trooth), n. 1.  a series of verified or undisputable facts that flow in a slow, irregular manner out of the mouth of a person who was previously reluctant to tell the truth.  

2. the culmination of small bits of information shared by an unfaithful partner over an extended period of time, often in an attempt to protect either the unfaithful partner or the betrayed partner.  --v. 3. the act of initially lying by omission and/or denial but gradually letting the truth (or parts of it) be known. 

Oh, the pain of trickle-truth!  This whole experience would have been so much easier if Bill would have just come clean about EVERYTHING from the moment I first confronted him.  You have likely already digested the sheer number of lies, cover-ups, and moments of denial my husband told and displayed in the beginning.  In the last few weeks, I have threatened him with a lie-detector test.  I have explained to him that what I need from him more than anything right now is the TRUTH, in its entirety.  I need to hear everything there could possibly be to know, not only about his relations with Tramp, but about any shady thing he has done in his past.  I made it quite clear that if he were to tell me today that he has actually slept with not just one but two or three or even four people since we've been married, I might be able to forgive him; however, if that information were to come out six months, two years, or ten years from now, I would divorce him in an instant.  You see, right now, it is not so much about the sexual act of betrayal as it is about the lying.  

My husband seems remorseful and is doing everything "right" in terms of trying to reconcile, but if I find out that he is hiding more, it is over.  I have given him the chance to be honest, on many occasions, but he has given me trickle truth from the beginning.  He continues to swear he only slept with Tramp once, and maybe he is telling the truth about that:  I will probably never really know.  Surprisingly, a couple of weeks ago, I felt like we had a break-through.  I gave him one last chance to come clean about his past, and this is what he told me:

1.  In the fall of 2007, he attended a bachelor party out of town.  While at the bar, he ran into an old coworker who had been interested in him.  She invited him back to her hotel room, and he went.  They made-out and groped each other, and she wanted to sleep with him.  When he realized where it was going, he stopped her and walked out of the room, leaving her pissed off and alone.

2.  He "might have" kissed "a couple" of girls while we were dating.  We dated for 7 years before we got married.

3.  When we were engaged he joined a couple of dating websites.  He set up a web-cam and "chatted" in sexually explicit language with people he connected with on the sites.  He engaged in self-pleasuring behavior and viewed the same via web-cam.  This behavior occurred periodically over the course of several months.  He never met anyone locally and had no intention of doing so.  (In fact, I once caught him pleasuring himself to a web-cam around this time-frame.  I almost broke off our engagement at the time, but he swore it was the first time he had ever done it, that he felt so guilty, that he would never do it again, blah, blah, blah.  And the sucker that I am, I believed him.  Which is why I am so worried about being a sucker again.)

4.  He did not meet with Tramp outside of their business meetings.  However, on one particular night when I was out of town with the children, Bill and Tramp tried to arrange for her to get a last-minute flight to our city so they could enjoy one another's company at a local hotel.  Their plans fell through when they realized how expensive the flight would be.

Believe it or not, after hearing this "truth" trickle out, I felt a lot better about us.  His ability to tell and own the truth made me feel like we might have a chance.  Weird, huh?  The thing is, there may well be more that could "trickle" out over time.  And that is why trickle-truth is so damaging, because every time you find out you were lied to once again (even if its lying by omission), you start the roller-coaster ride to hell and back all over again. 

On another note, I found our on-line cell-phone records (Bill was smart enough to have our phone company stop sending paper statements, and he set up an on-line billing account, which I discovered by checking his e-mail recently).  I spent several hours last week pouring over the records from October through the present time, and I found out the following:

1.  The sheer number of texts sent between Tramp and Bill were enough to make me vomit.  From October through Feb. 7th, they must have texted one another 50 to 100 times a day.  I don't even know how they found time to eat.  They texted throughout our family Christmas Eve celebration, Christmas Day, our New Year's Eve hotel get-away... 

2.  Bill was telling the truth about the fact that they did not talk over the phone during their affair.  There were no incoming or outgoing calls between the two of them, only text messages.

3.  The last incoming/outgoing texts to/from Tramp were on the day of my discovery (D-Day, Feb. 7th).  He has not sent or received a text (or call) to/from her since.

Point 1. made me sick.  Points 2. and 3. reassured me. 

But I am still in limbo.  Am I crazy?

An "Aha!" moment - but not of the Oprah variety

I think I understand now why some women stay in abusive relationships:  their significant other screws up, begs for forgiveness, promises to change, and things might seem good for awhile, until it happens again, and the cycle repeats itself.  How many of us have said, "I would leave the first time I got hit.  That is a deal-breaker!"?  Likewise, how many of us have said, "I would leave if my husband/wife EVER cheated on me.  That is a deal-breaker!"? 

 I am not trying to compare the pain of being cheated on to the immense trauma of being abused, but I do think there are some parallels.  We all want to believe in the inner-goodness of a person, in his/her ability to change.  We don't want to let go of what we have built together, of the good times we have shared. We worry about how we will support ourselves and/or our children if we leave, and about the long-term affects our decisions will have.  Our self-esteem diminishes.  We wonder if we will ever be able to trust another human being again.  We are in emotional turmoil, and wish the clouds above would part, making way for a message from above, a finger pointing us in the right decision.  We can't believe we are in this situation, having to make decisions that might defy our core principals, like the decision to stay.

No, I am not pretending to understand what it is like to be abused.  But I do understand what it is like to be in a situation that you never dreamed you would be in, and that is where I find myself today. 

So, I am asking you not to judge those who make decisions you think you would never make. And I pray you never look down only to find yourself standing in the shoes of the very people whom you once judged.

And I have still not changed my shoes.  I am standing in them, standing in limbo, looking around carefully, and calculating my next move.     

 

10-10-10

Did I mention yet that the sex was unprotected?  From what I've read, cheaters usually do have unprotected sex.  So not only did he risk losing his family and marriage, but he also risked his own health, and even worse, mine!  Ugghhh.... it disgusts me.  Thank goodness he did not get her pregnant.  There is absolutely no way I would ever be able to forgive that.  But then again, I never thought I'd be able to forgive this either, yet I have not left yet.

Anyway... I read an article in Glamour magazine (deep reading, I know) called "The Best Decision-Making Tool Ever," by Suzy Welch.  The author describes a strategy that she calls 10-10-10:  "It's a way to sort out every complicated decision by assessing the impact it'll have on  your life in 10 minutes, 10 months, and 10 years."  So I am going to 10-10-10 my current situation.  

If I choose to stay:  

In 10 minutes, I will likely still be sitting at this computer, still shocked that I am wasting away my days on sites like infidelity.com, survivinginfidelity.com, and marriagebuilders.com.  

In 10 months, my relationship with my husband might be stronger, and I might be ready to forgive.  My house and my kids and my job will still be here.  My extended family will still believe my marriage is good, and maybe it will be by then.  On the contrary, I might discover that my husband's infidelity is something I cannot get past, and the 10 year mark might never arrive.

In 10 years, if I stay, if my husband and I work on our relationship and repair the fault-lines that led us to where we are in this moment, if I am able to forgive and move on, if I never find any more evidence of any new infidelities, things will likely be good.  My family will be together and my children will be in a stable home.  And hopefully I will not feel like a fool for having not left when they were young.

If I choose to leave:

In 10 minutes, I will be sobbing uncontrollably with the realization that my family is about to be ripped apart.

In 10 months, I will be a single parent.  I might be living in a townhome, or in my mother's basement.  My children's chance at a happy nuclear family will be gone.  

In 10 years, I imagine I will be a happily remarried woman.  Hopefully my children will be well-adjusted, and my relationship with their father amicable.  I will consider myself strong and triumphant.  

Notice that I'm giving myself a happy ending in 10 years, either way.  Hopefully that will be prove to be true.  10-10-10... try it.  Maybe it will give you a happy ending too.  

Adding Insult to Injury

When I think about the web of lies and secrecy surrounding my situation, I can feel the instinctual fight or flight response stirring within me.  The question is, do I fight (and then ultimately resolve the conflicts, hopefully) or take flight (uprooting my children and leaving my dreams of a happy, nuclear family behind)?  There is more to my story...

Just a week before that fateful day, when my world was turned upside-down in less time than it takes to recite the Pledge of Allegiance and my worst nightmare became my living reality, I walked into the office and found my husband logged into his facebook page.  I caught a glimpse of a beautiful woman in the moment before Bill quickly scrolled down the page.  He had been checking his facebook inbox, and I insisted that he scroll back to the top of the page so I could see what this woman had written to him.  The message was titled "My head tells me no, but my heart can't help who it loves."  There was no other content.  When I questioned him about it, Bill said the woman was a fellow manager in his company who was having relationship issues because she was in love with a married man.  He said that she confided in him and several other managers during their business trip.  My gut told me he was lying, so I asked him what the married man's name was, to which he replied that he did not know.  Hmmm..., I thought, why would he not know the name if she had confided in him and apparently trusted him enough to send him a facebook message about it?  I looked into his deceiving eyes and told him I did not believe him for a minute, that I was not that stupid.  At that point, he told me he had nothing to hide.  He gave me the password to his facebook page and told me to check it whenever I wanted to.  He also gave me the password to his e-mail account (not the "secret" one, of course).  He hugged me, told me he loved me, and insisted I had nothing to worry about.  

You can imagine how reassured I felt by his actions.  Nonetheless, I felt like I needed to take some action, so I sat down at the computer and responded to the facebook message, while he watched.  I wrote (posing as Bill):  "My advice to you is to stay away from the married man.  It is not a good situation for anyone involved.  P.S. My wife thinks you're talking about me."  Bill did not react at all as I hit the send button, which further reassured me. 

The next day, Bill called me from work and asked, "Did you see her reply?  I am kind of offended by it, actually."  I had of course already logged into his facebook and knew what the response had been.  She had written, "LMAO!  Why would your wife think that!  You are soo not my type! Thanks for the advice though."  By this point I felt foolish for having overreacted.  I apologized to Bill for having doubted him, and I thought of all the times I had accused him of things in the past and started to feel really bad about it.  That weekend, we drove to my hometown, and we had a great talk about family, priorities, and even cheating, with him reassuring me that he would never do such a thing.  For the first time since we started our relationship 12 years ago, I trusted him 100%.

But doesn't every good story have a villain (or two)?  Of course, the woman who sent him the message turned out to be Tramp.  I now know that Bill texted her to let her know I was onto something and that she sent the reply to try to throw me off the scent trail leading to their nasty, cheating secret.  What a punch in the stomach.  The sense of betrayal I feel is overwhelming, especially when I think about how calculating they were, and how easily Bill was able to look me in the eyes when the only thing coming out of his mouth was a swarm of lies.  

So fight or flight?  A trip across the country sounds pretty appealing right about now...

Another almost-freak-out

My husband gave me the passwords to his e-mail and facebook accounts after I found out about Tramp.  I check them almost every day now to see if there is anything suspicious, although I'm sure he's policing himself quite carefully so I don't really expect to come across anything crazy in the near future.  But today, I logged into his old hotmail account (which he very clearly hasn't used since I found about Tramp, although this was not the "secret" account) and found a weird message that made me panic.  The message said:  "Hey browsed around and saw your pics (very gorgeous) contact me back on windowslive messenger sexy22benz@live.com we live closer than i thought even lol".  As I said, I initially thought "more evidence" but then I realized it could be a mass spam message.  I sent a reply from my own e-mail account and received a delivery failure message indicating the recipient's inbox was full... so I'm assuming it was indeed spam, but I will continue to monitor... as any wise woman would. 

Poems

I stumbled across a couple of poems I wrote a long time ago (back in high school!), and somehow they seem a little bit fitting to my situation now:

Despair

Falling down a staircase

Each step an eternity

A downward spiral 

Toward complete and utter darkness.

My scream pierces the calmness

Of the dark, crisp night

And all is still...

For but a moment.

I call for help

But receive no answer

I pray to God

But I do not hear his voice.

Does anyone care?

Is anyone listening?

Maybe I'm better off.  

And I wrap myself up

In my blanket of loneliness

Never again to be uncovered

And maybe...(never again to be?)

Don't Shut Me Out

Don't shut me out

You'll still hear me

Don't leave me hang

I might fall

Open you eyes and look closely

Try not to be so appalled

I may not be the person you want me

But I refuse to act out the part

Love me for me now or leave me

For I can't change what comes from my heart

My Plan, Today

Here is my plan, as of today... though I feel a bit like a person with a split personality for as much as my plan varies from one day to the next (I'm going to leave, I'm going to stay, I'm going to leave, I'm going to stay)...

But on this day, my plan is to:

1.  Stay through the summer, since I do not have a steady income right now but will when I return to my teaching job in late August.

2.  Gradually try to stash away some cash without my husband knowing:  my emergency fund.  So far, I have about $1,400.

3.  Begin researching my options.  For example, could the kids and I afford to stay in the house if we rented the basement bedroom out?  Are there affordable townhome rentals in the area?  Should we move out of town to live in my mother's finished basement for awhile?  

4.  Talk with an attorney at some point over the summer to find out what is legally and monetarily required to get a divorce in my state.

5.  Be civil with my husband, bring up the possibility of divorce occasionally so it's not a shock to him if that's the news I deliver at the end of the summer, but do not tell him before the end of the summer even if I become 100% confident that I AM going to leave.  I feel like I need plenty of time to stash cash while we still have joint assets.  

6.  Attend more counseling sessions with my husband throughout the summer as I continue to assess whether or not I think he really has "seen the light" after all of this.

To sum it up, I am going to plan for a divorce so that I am  prepared, but I am going to take my time.  I am also going to keep my heart open to the possibility of building a stronger marriage and making things work, but at this moment, my gut is telling me divorce is in my future.

Statistics

My husband and I have been together for almost 12 years and married for almost five.  I really wanted it to last forever, but now my entire future is in question.  Not just my future with him, but MY future.  The thought of leaving is so scary... to start all over, to make a new print on the earth, to survive single parenthood.  The idea of staying brings with it safety, security, financial stability, but not necessarily a happy and loving relationship.  My husband and I get along great for the most part, although we've obviously "lost that loving feeling" as of late.  Will it ever really be possible for me to trust him, or anyone else, again?  The thought of growing old alone scares me out of my skin, but I'm not so sure I believe in the goodness of man anymore, so maybe to be alone and hidden in my own shell would be a better alternative than risking having my heart stomped on again, by anybody.    

I have been reading the book "The Truth about Cheating" (sorry, I don't know how to underline on here) by Gary Neuman and have learned some interesting statistics:

1.  The married men studied by Gary Neuman were married for an average of six years before having their first affair (p. 35). 

2.  69% of men in the study who cheated never believed (before the affair) that they would ever cheat (p. 4).

3.  Only 7% of cheating men in the study admitted infidelity freely, without being questioned (p. 4).

4.  68% of the men denied cheating even after questioning and/or admitted the infidelity only after being confronted with hard evidence of the affair (p. 4).

5.  Of the cheating men studied by Gary Neuman, 54% cheated with one woman, while 46% admitted cheating with more than one woman over time.  

6.  Neuman writes, "The results of studies are spread widely, suggesting that anywhere from 22 to 70% of husbands cheat on their wives.  Many suggest the current acceptable statistic is that roughly half of all men have had affairs (p.4)."  

Wow.  If approximately half of men cheat and only 7% of them tell their wives without being questioned, how many unsuspecting, loving wives are living in a false reality?  Pretty scary, if you ask me.  Which brings me back to the question of how in the world I will ever be able to trust any man again, ever, no matter how wonderful and trustworthy he may seem.  

A War Inside My Mind

This really does feel like a never ending war inside my mind.  If I were reading this blog, and it were the blog of a friend, I'm pretty sure my advice would be to run like h-e-double hockey sticks.  Since I've found out, I have told a total of six friends.  Well, technically five:  my good friend Tina told my good friend Annie after Annie mentioned feeling like something might be going on with me and Tina broke down crying.  The amazing thing is, not one of my friends has told me to leave. Tina has experienced a bit of infidelity herself:  her husband kissed another woman and was starting an emotional affair with her before he got caught.  Tina's philosophy is that you always fight for your family.  My other friends have helped me weigh the pros and cons of staying versus leaving, but like I said, they have not shouted at the top of their lungs, "Run! Run!" as I would have expected.  

The day I found out was a Saturday.  The next day, we drove out of town to attend my nephew's birthday party, where I tried my best to put on a happy face and act like nothing was wrong.  My husband could hardly look anyone in the eye and could not even attempt to fake a smile, so we told everyone that he was up all night with the kids and really tired.  Do you know how hard it is to act happy when a part of you is dying inside?  But I must have pulled it off, because not one of my family members questioned me.  If any of them knew the truth, they would probably kill Bill.  Actually, my family members are quite lovely people, so they probably would not kill him so much as throw stones at him.  My mom was cheated on by my dad, and my first step-father (my mom is on marriage number three) was a creep, so she would take it the hardest.  But I digress... we made it through the party, but as soon as we bundled the kids up in their winter gear, buckled them up, and drove away, I lost it.  My sobs were uncontrollable, as all of the emotion I had held inside for hours came pouring out.  But Monday came, and when you have kids, you have a routine, which can help distract you from the hand life has dealt you.  

On Tuesday, Bill was planning to take our three year old son (we'll call him Brady) on the four hour drive to his parents' house.  He asked me if he should still go, to which I replied "of course."  I knew his time away would be good for me.  By this point, Bill and I had had several conversations regarding how the affair started.  Apparently, they first met back in October (when my darling baby girl was only three months old!).  My husband's company (he is a store manager) sent him on a business trip to meet with eight other store managers to talk about some new and innovative ideas they had for the stores.  Tramp was new to the company, and although they talked some, he says he initially thought nothing of it.  A few weeks later, Bill had another business trip:  this time he met with all of the managers in his district, and since Tramp's store is in his district, she was there.  According to Bill, they danced at a night club one night and held hands and talked until all hours of the night another.  He confided in her that he was unhappy with our marriage (despite the fact that I thought things were going pretty well) and she lured him in by telling him he could be a model (she is a model and has connections with Maxim magazine) and otherwise stroking his ego.  When his plane landed back in our hometown, she immediately sent him a text.  He claims they never spoke on the phone or met in between business meetings, and that the majority of the relationship took place via text messaging and e-mails.  Not long after he had returned from this second trip, Tramp told him she was attending an all-girls slumber party.  She and her classy friends liked to get together and play spin-the-bottle, which led to them performing sexual acts on one another.  She sent him a picture from the party and he was smitten.  He says it all snowballed out of control from that point on.  In reading his e-mails, there was clearly anticipation of a sexual encounter occurring at their next business trip in January.  In fact, I am still not convinced that they did not at least kiss during that last meeting in October.  Can you really go from zero to "This is to hold you off until Tuesday (accompanied by a picture)" that fast?    

Anyway... I had already e-mailed Tramp, warning her to stay away from my husband, and was rewarded with replies containing such heartfelt apologies as "It takes two to tango honey" and  "Im not trying to be funny but it [sex] is not just for making babies." I tried to get details out of her, but she would not tell me whether or not they slept together.  So, on Wednesday morning, I called Bill at his parents' house and lied.  I told him that Tramp confirmed to me via e-mail that they had indeed slept together.  He was silent on the other end, confirming my gut feeling that it was more than "just" a blow-job.  I swore at him and hung-up.  At this point, I was more angry about the web of lies he had told than I was about the actual physical act.  Have you seen the movie "He's Just Not That Into You"?  I could identify 100% with Jennifer Connelly's character when she forgave her husband for having cheated but then threw him out when she found out he was lying to her about smoking.  It is about the lies, more than anything else.  And yet, my mind is still at war.  Doesn't make any sense, does it?

It doesn't help that my husband seems to have been born-again, in a sense.  He has been nothing but wonderful since my discovery, but I still look at him with anger and hate a lot of the time.  He is trying to get us more involved in church, wanting us to sign up for couples groups, and making statements about the power of surrounding ourselves with good, moral role-models.  He even told his parents because he wanted their support in our attempt to repair our marriage.  He arranged for us to meet with a counselor (more on that later), started pulling more weight with the kids and the housework (which he was already pretty good about), and started complimenting me constantly, thanking and appreciating me, doing little things to make my life easier.  The big question is, will it really last?  And is it enough?  Only time will tell...  

Continued...

So, what would YOU do at that moment?  One friend of mine said if her husband cheated, she would cut off his offending parts right then and there.  I'm not quite that crazy.  Instead, after I verified some of the details, (yes, he said, she did give a blow job, but no, they did not have sex) and called him a few choice names, I grabbed my purse, ran out the door, and started driving.  I did not know where to go or who to call.  The thing about infidelity is that once you discover the secret, you feel very alone.  As hurt and angry as I was, the logical part of me told me it would be best not to call my closest friends and family members right then.  As much as I felt like my world had just been shattered and saw my future as a single parent flash before my eyes, I knew that if I confided in people who cared deeply for me I would not be able to make the choice myself:  that they would demand that I leave.  So I called my brother-in-law.  Soon I found myself wandering the local mall, shuffling through clothing racks while licking the salt off my lips as my tears continued to fall, all the while saying aloud to my brother-in-law what no woman ever wants to have say.  I could feel the curious stares of mall walkers, shoppers, and workers alike, but I did not care.  I was emotionally exhausted and felt like my mind was having a war with itself.  Should I stay?  Should I go?  Before long, I discovered that my best course of action was not to make a decision at all.  With my family and life as I knew it at stake, I realized it would be in everyone's best interest for me not to make any rash decisions.  So I called one trusted friend and asked her to meet me at my house.  I left the mall and arrived home to find my two darling children sound asleep in bed and my husband meekly hanging his head in the company of a friend.  I told him he could sleep in the basement until further notice.  And I continued living, one second, one step, one agonizing moment, at a time.  69 days later, I am still here, and I have still not made up my mind.  There have been more details to learn, more tears cried, counseling sessions.... but I'll post about all that later.  Until then...    

Discovery

It has been exactly 69 days since my world fell apart and the future of my family became as uncertain as the fate of a zebra viewing a pride of lions from afar.  On February 7th, 2009, while I was blissfully nursing my daughter and perusing the internet, boredom led me to me the home page of youtube.com.  I instantly noticed the inappropriateness of the "recommended" videos, with titles such as "Secret Camera Captures Women Changing" and naked bodies galore. This in and of itself did not send my internal alarms ringing, but then I discovered my husband was already "logged in" under an  e-mail address I did not recognize.  Now, many women may have overlooked this, but given the trust issues I already have due to a cloudy past and my husband's flirtatious nature, I knew this could be something big.  I waited anxiously for him to come home from work.  When he walked in the door, I led him to the office, where his secret e-mail address was already typed into the given e-mail site waiting for it's password.  Of course, he immediately denied it.  "It's not my e-mail address!  I don't know the  password!"  I was unrelenting.  He claimed his brother had set up the youtube account and must have made up a new e-mail address for him.  So I called his brother and got the facts, and the confirmation that my husband was indeed lying.  My  husband finally caved and entered his password before slithering out the door, and an abundance of lies were unleashed.  For nearly an hour, I sat in stunned silence, tears streaking down my face, as I opened e-mail after e-mail of correspondence between my husband (let's call him Bill), and the "other" woman (let's call her Tramp).  There were pictures of her naked, including a close up of down below, in addition to a picture of him naked.  Most of the pictures had been sent via cell-phone text and then forwarded to his e-mail.  Furthermore, there were e-mails from a few different women containing inappropriate content, and confirmation of a MySpace account I did not know Bill had.  Tramp's e-mails indicated her love for Bill with words like "I want to love only once and forever" and "I want to always be sensual with you.  I love making you feel good."  Can you feel the vomit rising up into your throat right now?  I can.  Wow, this is a long story, but I have children to feed, so I will have to continue later...