Lonely on New Year's Eve

How am I spending my New Year's Eve? On my couch, in my pajamas, eating Chinese take-out, watching a movie, and drinking Strongbow. Alone.

It's not that I don't have plenty of great family and friends to hang out with - I do. But most of them are home with their own spouses and children, since we are not as young as we once were. Which makes me feel sad, and lonely, and... old.

Bill and I used to find something fun to do every New Year's Eve. A concert, a dance club, a comedy show, a nice dinner, a hotel... And even though I don't miss him, exactly, I definitely miss the idea of him. The companionship. Having someone to call at any time of the day for any reason. A reason to get all dolled up and go out on the town.

Sigh. Cheers to you all and to the New Year. I am going to go stuff my face with some more cream-cheese won-tons, and wash them down with another Strongbow.

Looking Forward to 2011...

It has to be a better year, doesn't it? I was hoping 2010 would be an improvement over 2009, and unfortunately it wasn't, so I think I deserve nothing but the best in the new year, don't you? My New Year's Resolution for this year was to step out of my comfort zone and try some new things, including downhill skiing, and I'm hoping to knock that one off of the list tomorrow! Other new things I tried this year included acting and singing onstage AND having my first ever true fling! Yes, you heard me right, I had a fling, and it was quite enjoyable while it lasted.

My friend and I went to a Zombie Pub Crawl in October (another step outside my comfort zone) and I met a great guy with a lot of my same interests. We had great conversation and in my drunken stupor I actually walked home with him. Did I sleep with him? Not that night. But we enjoyed six fun dates before he headed out on a six-week trip to Australia and New Zealand, and yes, a few of those dates involved me (once again) stepping out of my comfort zone. Now all I have to do is make it down the bunny hill before Saturday and I will have completely aced my New Year's Resolution test. Which means it will be time to think about a resolution for 2011.

So what do I aim to do in 2011? Rediscover myself, my friendships, and my passions (which means it's time for me to pick up a paint brush again, for the first time in five years). Focus on my children. Enjoy the little things. And if Mr. Right happens to come along, rip off the bandaid covering my heart and let love in. What is your New Year's Resolution?

Rearranging My Life - and My Closets!

So much for celebrating extra closet space - I have a rommate moving in in two weeks, with her two kids! It will be a huge weight off my shoulders in that I won't have to panic about making the mortgage payment, but it could be intereseting, and I am losing 3 (!!!) closets. Needless to say, I will be very busy for the next two weeks figuring out how to rearrange everything in my house to make room for three more people.

Speaking of busy, I am back at work after enjoying my summer off (aside from the drama), which is actually helping to keep my mind off of the fact that my whole life is in the process of being rearranged. Although, sometimes rearranging can be a good thing...

I am heading out to kayak with a good friend today, so until next time, a question for you to ponder... What could use a little rearranging in your life?

Closet Space

In an effort to try to look on the bright side of things, I have compiled a list of things I look forward to once my now ex-husband officially moves out this week, and at the top of the list is...

more closet space!  And an extra dresser!  I am so excited that I won't have to pound the clothes in my drawers in fits of frustration anymore,  in futile attempts to make "just one more" shirt of pair of shorts fit.  And that I will be able to see all of the clothes hanging in my closet, which will (hopefully) prevent me from thinking I've lost certain garments that in the past have gotten lost in the shuffle.  No more, "Oh my gosh, I forgot I even had this shirt!"

Other things on the list:

* Complete control over the remote

* No more picking dirty socks off the floor (oh, wait, I do still have two kids!)

* Pizza does not have to be our main meal anymore

* No more need to draw an imaginary line down the middle of the bed to mark "my side" when I'm trying to sleep

* No more energy spent on deciphering the truth from lies

I could go on and on... 

Today is the Day!

1:30 PM - Court time! It should be quick and simple, a matter of holding up my right hand and answering a few yes or no questions. Amazing how quick and easy it actually is to unravel the last 13 years of my life (6 of my marriage), to pluck me out of my current reality and into a different story ending.

Bill came into my room the other night, crying and telling me how sad he is about moving out, how it kills him that he won't get to see the kids every night, and how much he cherishes all of the good memories we have together. So, I decided to throw him one last bone, and asked "Are you really sure you want me to go through with this on Thursday?" His response: "Well, what else?" I said "You know what else. All I'm saying is you have until 1:30 to speak now or forever hold your peace." He hugged me, and that was it. If he had begged me back at that moment would I really have avoided going to court today? Probably not. But giving him one more chance to beg makes me feel more at peace with my decision, knowing that I truly did what I could to make my marriage work for my children's sake.

Now it's time to gain back my dignity, and find a better life!

It's the End of the World As I Know It...

August 12th.  Just another summer day for most, but a life-changing day for myself and my children - the day of my divorce hearing, the day it will be final, the day I become - what?  Free? Unhinged?  There are so many emotions swirling within me right now, but the most prominent thought repeatedly pushing its way to the front of my mind is "It's the end of the world as I know it."  Truly.

Fortunately, I have some great friends who are going to go out on the town with me that night to celebrate my "new beginning" - in other words, they will be working very hard to keep me from breaking down.

The divorce process has been quite simple, actually.  I met with a lawyer, we decided on divorce terms, my husband was served and did not put up a fight, and here we are two months later, about to make it final.  He is moving out September 1st, a date I am looking forward to and dreading at the same time.  My children still know nothing, and just the thought of having the conversation with my four year old about why daddy is moving out chokes me up.

On another note, I am starting to get excited about dating again, and although I haven't really jumped back into the water just yet, I did have a hot make-out session with a guy the day after my husband and I signed our divorce papers.  As for my ex-boyfriend, I found out he has a new girlfriend (sigh... shattered dreams).  

Send a prayer my way, or words of encouragement if you're up for it... I am in need of support everywhere I can get it, including from my on-line friends:)

Dreams

You might expect a post titled "dreams" to explain with exuberant optimism how I am going to pick up the pieces and create a bright new future for myself.  Unfortunately, I have not yet figured that out.  

I have, however, been having haunting dreams about my ex-boyfriend, the one who got away.  In every one of them, we want to be together and discover the timing isn't right (in one dream he had just gotten someone pregnant - as if I need that kind of added drama in my life right now!).  So discouraging...

I wonder how long it takes those who have been betrayed to pick up the pieces and move on, and if it is typical to dream of the comfort of those who have been in your life in the past.  Although I am still struck by moments of sadness and shattered dreams, there is a tiny flame of hope inside me growing bigger each day - a feeling of excitement that I really could meet Mr. Right someday.  I have visions of us swinging on a porch swing, wiping our wind-blown gray hair out of our eyes.  Someday. 

No more wavering...

My days of wavering are over; therefore, I suppose it is time to change the name of my blog.  

This past Thursday evening, as I walked into the living room where my wayward husband was sitting, I saw a flash of light on his right hand side and a quick movement of his hand.  He then grabbed his cell phone from his left hand side.  Being the self-educated private investigator that I am, I immediately asked him to show me the cell phone he had just put in his pocket, although I hadn't actually seen it.  

He quickly stood up and handed me his cell phone (the usual one, in his left hand).  He said, "I was just texting Matt.  You can look if you want."  As always when he gets busted, he looked like a deer in headlights.  I felt his right pocket and said, "Why do you have another cell phone in your pocket?"  His response:  "It's not a cell phone.  I don't have anything in my pocket."  B.S.

I grabbed the phone and was only able to see the words "Liked the pic you sent last night" before he grabbed it away and deleted the entire contents of the phone.  After hurling swear words at him for awhile, I calmed down and asked him how in the world he could still be doing such awful things.  His reply:  "Well, did you really think we were going to get back together?"  and "I think I was just waiting for you to say good-bye."  

What a coward.  I am moving on to bigger and better things.  

Still Surviving

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile, and I don't have a lot of time to write much tonight, but I wanted to share an e-mail my mom sent me on New Year's Day:

"Happy New Year. I was reading the Ellen Goodman columm this morning. It is her last one before she retires. Don't know if you know her but she has always been my favorite columnist. Anyway this is what she said: "There is a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with a vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over-and to let go. It means leaving what's over without denying it's validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on rather than out." That is kind of what I wanted to say to you but could not find the words. Because I have been through it, I know how much it hurts and I just can't stand it that you are going though it now. So I kind of don't talk about it with you because then I can be in denial a little bit. The deciding what you need is the hardest part I think, the grey area you talked about. Once you decide you will have some relief and some direction. Still won't be easy either way but it will be better. You will know in your heart and in your stomach that you made the best decision you could. I am not telling you which way to go that truly does have to come from you. But I am telling you that I love you very much and will support you always whatever you decide.

Love Momma"

Talk about making me cry!  But the quote she shared really resonated with me.  I am slowly gathering up the strength and courage I need right now... but I can't seem to let go of the fairytale that will never be told.  

More later...