Friday, April 17, 2009

A War Inside My Mind

This really does feel like a never ending war inside my mind.  If I were reading this blog, and it were the blog of a friend, I'm pretty sure my advice would be to run like h-e-double hockey sticks.  Since I've found out, I have told a total of six friends.  Well, technically five:  my good friend Tina told my good friend Annie after Annie mentioned feeling like something might be going on with me and Tina broke down crying.  The amazing thing is, not one of my friends has told me to leave. Tina has experienced a bit of infidelity herself:  her husband kissed another woman and was starting an emotional affair with her before he got caught.  Tina's philosophy is that you always fight for your family.  My other friends have helped me weigh the pros and cons of staying versus leaving, but like I said, they have not shouted at the top of their lungs, "Run! Run!" as I would have expected.  

The day I found out was a Saturday.  The next day, we drove out of town to attend my nephew's birthday party, where I tried my best to put on a happy face and act like nothing was wrong.  My husband could hardly look anyone in the eye and could not even attempt to fake a smile, so we told everyone that he was up all night with the kids and really tired.  Do you know how hard it is to act happy when a part of you is dying inside?  But I must have pulled it off, because not one of my family members questioned me.  If any of them knew the truth, they would probably kill Bill.  Actually, my family members are quite lovely people, so they probably would not kill him so much as throw stones at him.  My mom was cheated on by my dad, and my first step-father (my mom is on marriage number three) was a creep, so she would take it the hardest.  But I digress... we made it through the party, but as soon as we bundled the kids up in their winter gear, buckled them up, and drove away, I lost it.  My sobs were uncontrollable, as all of the emotion I had held inside for hours came pouring out.  But Monday came, and when you have kids, you have a routine, which can help distract you from the hand life has dealt you.  

On Tuesday, Bill was planning to take our three year old son (we'll call him Brady) on the four hour drive to his parents' house.  He asked me if he should still go, to which I replied "of course."  I knew his time away would be good for me.  By this point, Bill and I had had several conversations regarding how the affair started.  Apparently, they first met back in October (when my darling baby girl was only three months old!).  My husband's company (he is a store manager) sent him on a business trip to meet with eight other store managers to talk about some new and innovative ideas they had for the stores.  Tramp was new to the company, and although they talked some, he says he initially thought nothing of it.  A few weeks later, Bill had another business trip:  this time he met with all of the managers in his district, and since Tramp's store is in his district, she was there.  According to Bill, they danced at a night club one night and held hands and talked until all hours of the night another.  He confided in her that he was unhappy with our marriage (despite the fact that I thought things were going pretty well) and she lured him in by telling him he could be a model (she is a model and has connections with Maxim magazine) and otherwise stroking his ego.  When his plane landed back in our hometown, she immediately sent him a text.  He claims they never spoke on the phone or met in between business meetings, and that the majority of the relationship took place via text messaging and e-mails.  Not long after he had returned from this second trip, Tramp told him she was attending an all-girls slumber party.  She and her classy friends liked to get together and play spin-the-bottle, which led to them performing sexual acts on one another.  She sent him a picture from the party and he was smitten.  He says it all snowballed out of control from that point on.  In reading his e-mails, there was clearly anticipation of a sexual encounter occurring at their next business trip in January.  In fact, I am still not convinced that they did not at least kiss during that last meeting in October.  Can you really go from zero to "This is to hold you off until Tuesday (accompanied by a picture)" that fast?    

Anyway... I had already e-mailed Tramp, warning her to stay away from my husband, and was rewarded with replies containing such heartfelt apologies as "It takes two to tango honey" and  "Im not trying to be funny but it [sex] is not just for making babies." I tried to get details out of her, but she would not tell me whether or not they slept together.  So, on Wednesday morning, I called Bill at his parents' house and lied.  I told him that Tramp confirmed to me via e-mail that they had indeed slept together.  He was silent on the other end, confirming my gut feeling that it was more than "just" a blow-job.  I swore at him and hung-up.  At this point, I was more angry about the web of lies he had told than I was about the actual physical act.  Have you seen the movie "He's Just Not That Into You"?  I could identify 100% with Jennifer Connelly's character when she forgave her husband for having cheated but then threw him out when she found out he was lying to her about smoking.  It is about the lies, more than anything else.  And yet, my mind is still at war.  Doesn't make any sense, does it?

It doesn't help that my husband seems to have been born-again, in a sense.  He has been nothing but wonderful since my discovery, but I still look at him with anger and hate a lot of the time.  He is trying to get us more involved in church, wanting us to sign up for couples groups, and making statements about the power of surrounding ourselves with good, moral role-models.  He even told his parents because he wanted their support in our attempt to repair our marriage.  He arranged for us to meet with a counselor (more on that later), started pulling more weight with the kids and the housework (which he was already pretty good about), and started complimenting me constantly, thanking and appreciating me, doing little things to make my life easier.  The big question is, will it really last?  And is it enough?  Only time will tell...  

No comments:

Post a Comment