We made it through the holidays!

Christmas has come and gone, and as far as my extended family knows, we are still a happy family (picture me up-chucking right about now).  

Actually, if you didn't know what was going on in our lives, you wouldn't know.  To our neighbors, our coworkers, and many of our family and friends, our life appears to be blissful.  Two beautiful children, a beautiful home, good jobs...  Just a few weeks ago, a coworker of mine commented about what a perfect family I have.  I smiled and said thank you, then turned and rolled my eyes.  

We are still living together, still going through the motions of daily life, and even laughing together at times.  We picked out and decorated a Christmas tree as a family, took our kids to see Santa at the mall, and sent out picture-perfect holiday cards.  My plan was to keep up the act until after the holidays.  Now that they are almost over, I will have to crawl out of my deep dark hole of denial and face the reality that my perfect family is broken.  But I like this hole.  Someone may have to drag me out, and hopefully I won't get buried in the dirt.

It seems I am living a life somewhat parallel to that of Elin Nordegren.  Okay, maybe not exactly parallel.  My husband and I are not rich, hot, or famous.  We are ordinary people.  But like Tiger, I think my husband thought he could  have his cake and eat it too.  And he did not think he would get caught.  He loved  his family and his women.  And I would probably find out about more women if they were paid to speak to the tabloids.  I was pleased to read reports that Elin plans to leave Tiger.  For some reason, that gives me a little more strength, a little more justification that leaving is the right thing to do (on some days, I still need someone to hit me with a 2x4).  Unfortunately, I will not walk away with millions of dollars as Elin will. 

Recent phone records indicate all communication has ceased between my husband and the stripper.  Thank God!  If he let someone like that into his life on a more permanent basis, we would be battling it out in court big-time, for the kids' sake.

In a last-ditch effort to save my marriage, I asked my husband if he would be willing to take a lie-detector test to prove that he was faithful during our first 10 years.  He laughed uncomfortably and asked why I would want him to do that.  I explained that if he could prove that he's only messed up more recently and that it's not a chronic problem, maybe we could work through things with enough counseling.  He changed the subject.  Of course, that should tell me everything I need to know but don't want to admit.  He would not pass a lie detector test.  If he had nothing else to hide, he would make his own appointment in order to save the marriage.  I cried with this realization, all night long, and showed up at work the next day with puffer-fish eyes.  At the same time, I felt relief that I had my answer.  Unfortunately, I couldn't leave well enough alone, and I asked him the next day to answer "yes" or "no," "Will you take a lie detector test?" and he answered, "yes."  WTF?  He hasn't brought it up since, nor have I.  Instead, we continue living our little lie... him sleeping in the spare bedroom each night while I fall asleep alone and wake up to my son cuddled next to me in my bed (he's been sneaking in in the middle of the night).  

Our plan as of now is to put our house on the market in March, and begin the divorce process once we accept an offer.  If it takes too long for our house to sell, we will start divorce proceedings earlier.  If for some reason he has a big change of heart and begs for my forgiveness, asks to take a lie-detector test, etc., everything may get put on hold.  I want nothing more than to keep my family together, but not at my own risk.  

Now, I will climb deeper into my hole, because I am so, so scared to climb out and see what is on the other side.  2x4, anyone?  

No Remorse

I checked the phone records the other night and discovered he is STILL texting the stripper.  There was a 12-day reprieve after I found out, and then they resumed their contact.  Yes, I did make it very clear to him that it is over, but if he had any remorse at all, wouldn't he take a break from it all?  Think about his kids and everything he has to lose?  But no, he is still texting her things like "I miss you babe.  I just want u to want me."  Puke.  I want to get divorced RIGHT NOW!!!  I cannot stand having to live another minute with this a-hole.  I want to move on and find my happy ending.  

The Ultimate Betrayal

It has been almost two weeks now since my world once again came crashing down. Some may deny me any pity, seeing as how I didn't run like hell in February, but I am throwing myself the pity party I never wanted or deserved. How did I find out this time? A combination of listening to my intuition and using my private investigator skills (which are quite good, actually).

Last Monday night, Bill went out for a drink with his friend Nick. At about 10:30 PM, I tried to call him, but he did not answer. Right away I had that something's-not-right feeling. Bill always has his phone on vibrate, always in his pocket, and always answers. I managed to call him four or five more times in the next 10 minutes. I sent him a text asking him where he was. Then I sent a text to Nick asking him if he was with Bill.

Bill finally texted back: "Saw that you called. What's up?" I called again and he answered, claiming he and Nick were just leaving the sports bar. I told him to put Nick on the phone, and he said Nick had already driven away. Bill had originally stated he was meeting Nick because Nick wanted to talk about some family issues he was having. I asked Bill how the conversation was: Bill said Nick didn't really open up. I asked him what they did then, if they didn't really talk, and he said they watched the football game. I asked him who played and he said "Oh my gosh, I can't remember. I've had like 5 beers and I'm feeling a little drunk." Yeah, right.

At that point I hung up the phone and texted Nick, asking him where he and Bill had gone. I immediately called Bill back and told him to stay on the phone with me until he got home. I didn't want to provide him with the opportunity to give Nick a heads up. A few minutes later, Bill hung up the phone. When I called him back, he asked, "What happened? Did your phone cut off?" Nice try.

He stayed on the line until he entered the front door. I ran to the entry-way and grabbed his phone from him. Right on the screen (about to be deleted by him before I snatched the phone) was a text message from the other woman: "Looking good tonight hottie" with a response from him: "I want u so bad." "WTF?" I asked. The girl (we'll call her Shana) was someone I knew, the ex-girlfriend of one of Bill's friends. The couple had been in our home on more than one occasion. Bill explained that he had gone to the strip club where she apparently works (WTF?) to sell her a pair of sunglasses, and that the text messages were flirtatious and out-of-line but that nothing had happened. Obvious BS.

I yelled a few choice words to him, left the house (with his phone), and drove to my friend's house. We proceeded to log-in to his facebook account and watched in horror as he instant-messaged one of his friends saying things like, "Shit, we have to warn Shana. Can you get ahold of her at the club? My wife has my phone, we have to warn her!" etc. I waited until 3 AM and sent Shana a text from Bill's phone, saying, "Kim knows." She fell for it and we proceeded to have a lengthy text conversation in which she said things like "You told her? Now she knows I'm a stripper? Babe, what are we going to do? You can move in with me if she kicks you out! What's going to happen between us?" If I wanted to vomit last time, I wanted to hurl it to the moon this time.

I called Shana from my phone and told her to call me. She left me a message a few hours later. I then texted her to get some details, and found out it started two weeks prior to last Monday, that they had slept together once, that they did NOT use a condom (what is he thinking???), and that there was a lot of sexting in-between.

Needless to say, it is now over between my husband and I. For now, we are living as roommates, until we can figure things out. I need financial stability and help with the kids for now, but I plan on being divorced by summer. I don't think I'll ever trust again...

He Did It Again

Yes, almost exactly nine months after I discovered his last affair, he did it again.  This time it was with his friend's ex-girlfriend, who now happens to be a stripper.  I don't really have the energy to post the entire story at the moment, but I will update later.  I think I know which road I am taking now, and it will not be an easy one.  Please pray for me and my family.  

Wedding Disaster

So my hubby and I were super excited for an overnight getaway to attend a wedding, but instead of a romantic evening together, we had one of our biggest fights yet.

It all started off well.. the wedding was beautiful, we reconnected with old friends, and the wine and beer flowed at the reception hall.  Although I was enjoying myself in the beginning, I found myself envious of the couples surrounding us.  Once again, I was reminded that the subtle displays of love - stolen glances, the brush of a hand across a back, admiring smiles - are missing from my relationship.  There was one couple in particular who caught my eye.  If only our relationship could be like theirs, I thought...

Well, looks can be deceiving.  I learned later that night that He had cheated on Her a few years ago.  She said she was able to forgive and forget.  I cannot.  But I was grateful to be reminded that all of the "perfect" marriages out there probably are not as perfect as I think.

Anyway... my husband and I both consumed more than one too many drinks.  He made an unkind comment that offended me, and I wandered off into the parking lot to call my best friend for a venting session.  Unfortunately, I have a hard time seeing one incident as just one incident - instead, I have a tendency to remember every little thing that I do not like about my husband and our relationship.  This, of course, meant I started dwelling upon the affair.  My husband walked over and eventually apologized, and all was well for awhile, until I happened upon my husband's best friend from college.  We'll call  him "Ted."

I asked Ted if  we could chat and proceeded to ask him if he knew if my husband had ever been unfaithful before his most recent affair.   His response:  "I don't think that's an appropriate question for you to be asking me."  When I continued to badger him, he said "Well, as far as his escapades, I don't know, he never says anything to me."  When I asked for details, I got nothing. Finally, he said "Well, we all know what a big flirt he is and that he says inappropriate things to women sometimes.  Like tonight, when he was flirting with the bartender and told her she was hot."  What????  At this point, I really flipped out.  Why would a husband who is supposed to be doing everything he can to prove his faithfulness tell the bartender she is hot?  OMG, what a scumbag!

This led to massive tears on my part, an uncomfortable situation between my husband and Ted, a public display of drunken arguing that will leave me forever embarrassed, and complete honesty on my part.  I told my husband that part of me hates him, and that I really don't think I will ever trust him again.  He told me he could not remember flirting with the bartender, but admitted he was so drunk that he couldn't deny it either.

When we got back to our hotel room, we talked a bit, but I was saddened once again as I realized my marriage as I once knew it truly is over.  My lingerie stayed packed in the suitcase, and we eventually fell asleep, both of us restless.

The next morning we talked more soberly about our situation.  He knows he was already on thin ice and that now the ice is cracking.  

Only God knows what the future holds for us.  Hopefully a happily ever after ending eventually, whether or not things work out between us.  Until next time... 

Our Vacation

Well, we managed to leave our children home with the grandparents last week so we could fly to hot, hot, hot AZ for a vacation with some friends.  I was really hoping the trip would help me feel more connected to my hubby, but instead it made me yearn for what I will never have.  We spent some time with our friends' parents and some of their friends.  One of the lovely ladies, Bonnie, told me the love story that belongs to her and her husband, who died last year.  She talked about how much they worked as a team, how they hated to be apart, how much they made each other laugh through good times and bad, and how hard it's been to move on without him...  It made me sad.  I don't think I will ever have that type of love story, especially now.  I also watched our friends (who are married) throughout the week, and was jealous of the affection they shared with one another.  In the pool, they were almost always in each other's arms, and their love seemed so real - a love that is bound to stand the test of time.  

I believe I deserve a love like that.  A lifetime lived with my best friend and soul mate. Memories to cherish and pass on to my children and grandchildren.  A beautiful story to tell when I'm old and grey and staring at a worn photo of my wedding day.  So why did my life have to  take this ugly turn instead?   Yes, it might still be possible for me to find true love, but only at the risk of hurting my children by tearing our family apart.  Either way, my husband has stripped me of the happy ending I truly deserve.  

To all the cheaters out there...

and wow, statistics say there really are a lot of you!  I would love to hear your comments on the questions I am about to post.  

1.  Did you take your wedding vows knowing that you would likely cheat one day, or did you at one point in your life think cheating was something you'd never do?

2.  If you are a "serial cheater," why not just end your marriage and live the single life?  Or talk to your husband/wife about having an open marriage?  Why all the deception? 

3.  Do you think about the consequences of your cheating, or just tell yourself you'll never get caught so it doesn't matter?  One of the biggest problems I had with my husband cheating is knowing that he was willing to risk his family for a few nights of self-indulgence.  When we sat down and had the conversation of what his life would really be like without me and the kids, he admitted he hadn't really thought about it.  He was caught up in the fantasy.  The reality of a life with Tramp would not have lived up to the fantasy.

4.  Do you / did you use protection?  My husband did not.

5.  How would you react if you discovered your spouse was cheating on you?  

I sometimes still feel like a fool for not leaving yet.  The wool could get pulled over my eyes very easily once again:  maybe it's already there.  If my husband cheats again there is a good chance I might not find out, since he has become wise to my now-investigative ways.  So yes, I understand that for him, and for many of you, cheating is like "having your cake and eating it too."  What I do not understand is why it is worth the risk and why you would not just end things with your spouse so that he/she could have a new chance at finding love and happiness.