No more wavering...

My days of wavering are over; therefore, I suppose it is time to change the name of my blog.  

This past Thursday evening, as I walked into the living room where my wayward husband was sitting, I saw a flash of light on his right hand side and a quick movement of his hand.  He then grabbed his cell phone from his left hand side.  Being the self-educated private investigator that I am, I immediately asked him to show me the cell phone he had just put in his pocket, although I hadn't actually seen it.  

He quickly stood up and handed me his cell phone (the usual one, in his left hand).  He said, "I was just texting Matt.  You can look if you want."  As always when he gets busted, he looked like a deer in headlights.  I felt his right pocket and said, "Why do you have another cell phone in your pocket?"  His response:  "It's not a cell phone.  I don't have anything in my pocket."  B.S.

I grabbed the phone and was only able to see the words "Liked the pic you sent last night" before he grabbed it away and deleted the entire contents of the phone.  After hurling swear words at him for awhile, I calmed down and asked him how in the world he could still be doing such awful things.  His reply:  "Well, did you really think we were going to get back together?"  and "I think I was just waiting for you to say good-bye."  

What a coward.  I am moving on to bigger and better things.  

Still Surviving

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile, and I don't have a lot of time to write much tonight, but I wanted to share an e-mail my mom sent me on New Year's Day:

"Happy New Year. I was reading the Ellen Goodman columm this morning. It is her last one before she retires. Don't know if you know her but she has always been my favorite columnist. Anyway this is what she said: "There is a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with a vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over-and to let go. It means leaving what's over without denying it's validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on rather than out." That is kind of what I wanted to say to you but could not find the words. Because I have been through it, I know how much it hurts and I just can't stand it that you are going though it now. So I kind of don't talk about it with you because then I can be in denial a little bit. The deciding what you need is the hardest part I think, the grey area you talked about. Once you decide you will have some relief and some direction. Still won't be easy either way but it will be better. You will know in your heart and in your stomach that you made the best decision you could. I am not telling you which way to go that truly does have to come from you. But I am telling you that I love you very much and will support you always whatever you decide.

Love Momma"

Talk about making me cry!  But the quote she shared really resonated with me.  I am slowly gathering up the strength and courage I need right now... but I can't seem to let go of the fairytale that will never be told.  

More later... 

We made it through the holidays!

Christmas has come and gone, and as far as my extended family knows, we are still a happy family (picture me up-chucking right about now).  

Actually, if you didn't know what was going on in our lives, you wouldn't know.  To our neighbors, our coworkers, and many of our family and friends, our life appears to be blissful.  Two beautiful children, a beautiful home, good jobs...  Just a few weeks ago, a coworker of mine commented about what a perfect family I have.  I smiled and said thank you, then turned and rolled my eyes.  

We are still living together, still going through the motions of daily life, and even laughing together at times.  We picked out and decorated a Christmas tree as a family, took our kids to see Santa at the mall, and sent out picture-perfect holiday cards.  My plan was to keep up the act until after the holidays.  Now that they are almost over, I will have to crawl out of my deep dark hole of denial and face the reality that my perfect family is broken.  But I like this hole.  Someone may have to drag me out, and hopefully I won't get buried in the dirt.

It seems I am living a life somewhat parallel to that of Elin Nordegren.  Okay, maybe not exactly parallel.  My husband and I are not rich, hot, or famous.  We are ordinary people.  But like Tiger, I think my husband thought he could  have his cake and eat it too.  And he did not think he would get caught.  He loved  his family and his women.  And I would probably find out about more women if they were paid to speak to the tabloids.  I was pleased to read reports that Elin plans to leave Tiger.  For some reason, that gives me a little more strength, a little more justification that leaving is the right thing to do (on some days, I still need someone to hit me with a 2x4).  Unfortunately, I will not walk away with millions of dollars as Elin will. 

Recent phone records indicate all communication has ceased between my husband and the stripper.  Thank God!  If he let someone like that into his life on a more permanent basis, we would be battling it out in court big-time, for the kids' sake.

In a last-ditch effort to save my marriage, I asked my husband if he would be willing to take a lie-detector test to prove that he was faithful during our first 10 years.  He laughed uncomfortably and asked why I would want him to do that.  I explained that if he could prove that he's only messed up more recently and that it's not a chronic problem, maybe we could work through things with enough counseling.  He changed the subject.  Of course, that should tell me everything I need to know but don't want to admit.  He would not pass a lie detector test.  If he had nothing else to hide, he would make his own appointment in order to save the marriage.  I cried with this realization, all night long, and showed up at work the next day with puffer-fish eyes.  At the same time, I felt relief that I had my answer.  Unfortunately, I couldn't leave well enough alone, and I asked him the next day to answer "yes" or "no," "Will you take a lie detector test?" and he answered, "yes."  WTF?  He hasn't brought it up since, nor have I.  Instead, we continue living our little lie... him sleeping in the spare bedroom each night while I fall asleep alone and wake up to my son cuddled next to me in my bed (he's been sneaking in in the middle of the night).  

Our plan as of now is to put our house on the market in March, and begin the divorce process once we accept an offer.  If it takes too long for our house to sell, we will start divorce proceedings earlier.  If for some reason he has a big change of heart and begs for my forgiveness, asks to take a lie-detector test, etc., everything may get put on hold.  I want nothing more than to keep my family together, but not at my own risk.  

Now, I will climb deeper into my hole, because I am so, so scared to climb out and see what is on the other side.  2x4, anyone?  

No Remorse

I checked the phone records the other night and discovered he is STILL texting the stripper.  There was a 12-day reprieve after I found out, and then they resumed their contact.  Yes, I did make it very clear to him that it is over, but if he had any remorse at all, wouldn't he take a break from it all?  Think about his kids and everything he has to lose?  But no, he is still texting her things like "I miss you babe.  I just want u to want me."  Puke.  I want to get divorced RIGHT NOW!!!  I cannot stand having to live another minute with this a-hole.  I want to move on and find my happy ending.  

The Ultimate Betrayal

It has been almost two weeks now since my world once again came crashing down. Some may deny me any pity, seeing as how I didn't run like hell in February, but I am throwing myself the pity party I never wanted or deserved. How did I find out this time? A combination of listening to my intuition and using my private investigator skills (which are quite good, actually).

Last Monday night, Bill went out for a drink with his friend Nick. At about 10:30 PM, I tried to call him, but he did not answer. Right away I had that something's-not-right feeling. Bill always has his phone on vibrate, always in his pocket, and always answers. I managed to call him four or five more times in the next 10 minutes. I sent him a text asking him where he was. Then I sent a text to Nick asking him if he was with Bill.

Bill finally texted back: "Saw that you called. What's up?" I called again and he answered, claiming he and Nick were just leaving the sports bar. I told him to put Nick on the phone, and he said Nick had already driven away. Bill had originally stated he was meeting Nick because Nick wanted to talk about some family issues he was having. I asked Bill how the conversation was: Bill said Nick didn't really open up. I asked him what they did then, if they didn't really talk, and he said they watched the football game. I asked him who played and he said "Oh my gosh, I can't remember. I've had like 5 beers and I'm feeling a little drunk." Yeah, right.

At that point I hung up the phone and texted Nick, asking him where he and Bill had gone. I immediately called Bill back and told him to stay on the phone with me until he got home. I didn't want to provide him with the opportunity to give Nick a heads up. A few minutes later, Bill hung up the phone. When I called him back, he asked, "What happened? Did your phone cut off?" Nice try.

He stayed on the line until he entered the front door. I ran to the entry-way and grabbed his phone from him. Right on the screen (about to be deleted by him before I snatched the phone) was a text message from the other woman: "Looking good tonight hottie" with a response from him: "I want u so bad." "WTF?" I asked. The girl (we'll call her Shana) was someone I knew, the ex-girlfriend of one of Bill's friends. The couple had been in our home on more than one occasion. Bill explained that he had gone to the strip club where she apparently works (WTF?) to sell her a pair of sunglasses, and that the text messages were flirtatious and out-of-line but that nothing had happened. Obvious BS.

I yelled a few choice words to him, left the house (with his phone), and drove to my friend's house. We proceeded to log-in to his facebook account and watched in horror as he instant-messaged one of his friends saying things like, "Shit, we have to warn Shana. Can you get ahold of her at the club? My wife has my phone, we have to warn her!" etc. I waited until 3 AM and sent Shana a text from Bill's phone, saying, "Kim knows." She fell for it and we proceeded to have a lengthy text conversation in which she said things like "You told her? Now she knows I'm a stripper? Babe, what are we going to do? You can move in with me if she kicks you out! What's going to happen between us?" If I wanted to vomit last time, I wanted to hurl it to the moon this time.

I called Shana from my phone and told her to call me. She left me a message a few hours later. I then texted her to get some details, and found out it started two weeks prior to last Monday, that they had slept together once, that they did NOT use a condom (what is he thinking???), and that there was a lot of sexting in-between.

Needless to say, it is now over between my husband and I. For now, we are living as roommates, until we can figure things out. I need financial stability and help with the kids for now, but I plan on being divorced by summer. I don't think I'll ever trust again...

He Did It Again

Yes, almost exactly nine months after I discovered his last affair, he did it again.  This time it was with his friend's ex-girlfriend, who now happens to be a stripper.  I don't really have the energy to post the entire story at the moment, but I will update later.  I think I know which road I am taking now, and it will not be an easy one.  Please pray for me and my family.  

Wedding Disaster

So my hubby and I were super excited for an overnight getaway to attend a wedding, but instead of a romantic evening together, we had one of our biggest fights yet.

It all started off well.. the wedding was beautiful, we reconnected with old friends, and the wine and beer flowed at the reception hall.  Although I was enjoying myself in the beginning, I found myself envious of the couples surrounding us.  Once again, I was reminded that the subtle displays of love - stolen glances, the brush of a hand across a back, admiring smiles - are missing from my relationship.  There was one couple in particular who caught my eye.  If only our relationship could be like theirs, I thought...

Well, looks can be deceiving.  I learned later that night that He had cheated on Her a few years ago.  She said she was able to forgive and forget.  I cannot.  But I was grateful to be reminded that all of the "perfect" marriages out there probably are not as perfect as I think.

Anyway... my husband and I both consumed more than one too many drinks.  He made an unkind comment that offended me, and I wandered off into the parking lot to call my best friend for a venting session.  Unfortunately, I have a hard time seeing one incident as just one incident - instead, I have a tendency to remember every little thing that I do not like about my husband and our relationship.  This, of course, meant I started dwelling upon the affair.  My husband walked over and eventually apologized, and all was well for awhile, until I happened upon my husband's best friend from college.  We'll call  him "Ted."

I asked Ted if  we could chat and proceeded to ask him if he knew if my husband had ever been unfaithful before his most recent affair.   His response:  "I don't think that's an appropriate question for you to be asking me."  When I continued to badger him, he said "Well, as far as his escapades, I don't know, he never says anything to me."  When I asked for details, I got nothing. Finally, he said "Well, we all know what a big flirt he is and that he says inappropriate things to women sometimes.  Like tonight, when he was flirting with the bartender and told her she was hot."  What????  At this point, I really flipped out.  Why would a husband who is supposed to be doing everything he can to prove his faithfulness tell the bartender she is hot?  OMG, what a scumbag!

This led to massive tears on my part, an uncomfortable situation between my husband and Ted, a public display of drunken arguing that will leave me forever embarrassed, and complete honesty on my part.  I told my husband that part of me hates him, and that I really don't think I will ever trust him again.  He told me he could not remember flirting with the bartender, but admitted he was so drunk that he couldn't deny it either.

When we got back to our hotel room, we talked a bit, but I was saddened once again as I realized my marriage as I once knew it truly is over.  My lingerie stayed packed in the suitcase, and we eventually fell asleep, both of us restless.

The next morning we talked more soberly about our situation.  He knows he was already on thin ice and that now the ice is cracking.  

Only God knows what the future holds for us.  Hopefully a happily ever after ending eventually, whether or not things work out between us.  Until next time...