Wedding Disaster

So my hubby and I were super excited for an overnight getaway to attend a wedding, but instead of a romantic evening together, we had one of our biggest fights yet.

It all started off well.. the wedding was beautiful, we reconnected with old friends, and the wine and beer flowed at the reception hall.  Although I was enjoying myself in the beginning, I found myself envious of the couples surrounding us.  Once again, I was reminded that the subtle displays of love - stolen glances, the brush of a hand across a back, admiring smiles - are missing from my relationship.  There was one couple in particular who caught my eye.  If only our relationship could be like theirs, I thought...

Well, looks can be deceiving.  I learned later that night that He had cheated on Her a few years ago.  She said she was able to forgive and forget.  I cannot.  But I was grateful to be reminded that all of the "perfect" marriages out there probably are not as perfect as I think.

Anyway... my husband and I both consumed more than one too many drinks.  He made an unkind comment that offended me, and I wandered off into the parking lot to call my best friend for a venting session.  Unfortunately, I have a hard time seeing one incident as just one incident - instead, I have a tendency to remember every little thing that I do not like about my husband and our relationship.  This, of course, meant I started dwelling upon the affair.  My husband walked over and eventually apologized, and all was well for awhile, until I happened upon my husband's best friend from college.  We'll call  him "Ted."

I asked Ted if  we could chat and proceeded to ask him if he knew if my husband had ever been unfaithful before his most recent affair.   His response:  "I don't think that's an appropriate question for you to be asking me."  When I continued to badger him, he said "Well, as far as his escapades, I don't know, he never says anything to me."  When I asked for details, I got nothing. Finally, he said "Well, we all know what a big flirt he is and that he says inappropriate things to women sometimes.  Like tonight, when he was flirting with the bartender and told her she was hot."  What????  At this point, I really flipped out.  Why would a husband who is supposed to be doing everything he can to prove his faithfulness tell the bartender she is hot?  OMG, what a scumbag!

This led to massive tears on my part, an uncomfortable situation between my husband and Ted, a public display of drunken arguing that will leave me forever embarrassed, and complete honesty on my part.  I told my husband that part of me hates him, and that I really don't think I will ever trust him again.  He told me he could not remember flirting with the bartender, but admitted he was so drunk that he couldn't deny it either.

When we got back to our hotel room, we talked a bit, but I was saddened once again as I realized my marriage as I once knew it truly is over.  My lingerie stayed packed in the suitcase, and we eventually fell asleep, both of us restless.

The next morning we talked more soberly about our situation.  He knows he was already on thin ice and that now the ice is cracking.  

Only God knows what the future holds for us.  Hopefully a happily ever after ending eventually, whether or not things work out between us.  Until next time... 

Our Vacation

Well, we managed to leave our children home with the grandparents last week so we could fly to hot, hot, hot AZ for a vacation with some friends.  I was really hoping the trip would help me feel more connected to my hubby, but instead it made me yearn for what I will never have.  We spent some time with our friends' parents and some of their friends.  One of the lovely ladies, Bonnie, told me the love story that belongs to her and her husband, who died last year.  She talked about how much they worked as a team, how they hated to be apart, how much they made each other laugh through good times and bad, and how hard it's been to move on without him...  It made me sad.  I don't think I will ever have that type of love story, especially now.  I also watched our friends (who are married) throughout the week, and was jealous of the affection they shared with one another.  In the pool, they were almost always in each other's arms, and their love seemed so real - a love that is bound to stand the test of time.  

I believe I deserve a love like that.  A lifetime lived with my best friend and soul mate. Memories to cherish and pass on to my children and grandchildren.  A beautiful story to tell when I'm old and grey and staring at a worn photo of my wedding day.  So why did my life have to  take this ugly turn instead?   Yes, it might still be possible for me to find true love, but only at the risk of hurting my children by tearing our family apart.  Either way, my husband has stripped me of the happy ending I truly deserve.  

To all the cheaters out there...

and wow, statistics say there really are a lot of you!  I would love to hear your comments on the questions I am about to post.  

1.  Did you take your wedding vows knowing that you would likely cheat one day, or did you at one point in your life think cheating was something you'd never do?

2.  If you are a "serial cheater," why not just end your marriage and live the single life?  Or talk to your husband/wife about having an open marriage?  Why all the deception? 

3.  Do you think about the consequences of your cheating, or just tell yourself you'll never get caught so it doesn't matter?  One of the biggest problems I had with my husband cheating is knowing that he was willing to risk his family for a few nights of self-indulgence.  When we sat down and had the conversation of what his life would really be like without me and the kids, he admitted he hadn't really thought about it.  He was caught up in the fantasy.  The reality of a life with Tramp would not have lived up to the fantasy.

4.  Do you / did you use protection?  My husband did not.

5.  How would you react if you discovered your spouse was cheating on you?  

I sometimes still feel like a fool for not leaving yet.  The wool could get pulled over my eyes very easily once again:  maybe it's already there.  If my husband cheats again there is a good chance I might not find out, since he has become wise to my now-investigative ways.  So yes, I understand that for him, and for many of you, cheating is like "having your cake and eating it too."  What I do not understand is why it is worth the risk and why you would not just end things with your spouse so that he/she could have a new chance at finding love and happiness.   

  

Oh, the drama...

Life can be so dramatic, and I'm not even a drama queen!  My life seems to be playing itself out like a movie-script right now:  girl with tumultuous yet overall happy childhood marries insecure wanna-be-movie-star (have I mentioned that yet?), wanna-be cheats after birth of second child, girl-turned-woman cries internally but puts on a good show for the world, girl-turned woman has a chance encounter with ex-boyfriend/lost love and is swept off her feet and into the sunset for a happily ever after ending...

Okay, okay, so it didn't happen quite like that, BUT I did run into my ex-boyfriend while I was out with a friend for a drink.  This is the man whose heart I broke over twelve years ago after three years of dating.  The man who I always thought I would end up marrying, even AFTER I broke up with him.  The man whose engagement news made me cry.  The man with whom I envisioned having a romantic and sappy surprise reunion on Oprah someday.  One look at him and I was swept back into time, in a way that made me question everything around me.  He looked great, conversation flowed, and it wasn't long before I found out he and his wife are filing for divorce.  He wants kids, she does not.  All I could think was, "Is this fate?"  What is the likelihood that we would both have marriage troubles at exactly the same time and then run into each other?  After our run-in, my friend asked, "How did you not end up marrying  him?  He is soo your type.  You guys would be perfect together.  I love him!"  Since that night, we have texted in a strictly friendly manner a few times, but we are both people with high morals and straight priorities, so unless or until I get divorced, I will never know whether or not we could make a second go of things.

More drama, but not as much fun as the above, involves the job my husband recently quit.  Him quitting was a great thing:  it means no more manager's meetings where he would be thrown into the path of temptation (Tramp), no more atmosphere promoting a young, hip, hot image, and no more BS from his district manager.  He was offered a better job with a better company and the potential for wonderful future promotions.  However, after he quit, he received word that he would have to pay back the company $6,000 (!!!) in bonus money.  Yikes!  That is a LOT of money for anyone, and I freaked out when I found out.  Fortunately, my husband was able to earn about $4,000 by selling some of his more frivolous belongings, so the damage to our account was more like $2,000, which was still a big hit but left us with enough money to hopefully survive the summer.  There is NO WAY I could leave right now, even if I wanted to!

And boy oh boy, did I ever think I wanted to leave a couple of weeks ago.  I borrowed my husband's car, and decided to snoop around a bit.  It didn't take long before I found a cell phone in his trunk, hidden underneath a piece of paper and some swimming trunks.  My heart was beating out of my chest as I tried to turn it on.  Unfortunately for me, the phone was dead.  I slipped the phone into my purse and searched the house later that day in hopes of finding a charger.  When I could not find one, I went to the mall to purchase one.  I plugged it in, turned it on, and starting searching, but... nothing.  No service, no texts, no unrecognized numbers in the call logs, no damaging evidence.  I think part of me was hoping to find something, anything, that might give me that extra push to leave, and although I was very relieved to find nothing, a tiny fraction of my heart was disappointed (perhaps the fraction that is still in love with my ex?).  In fact, the phone had not been used since the end of October, and I'm pretty sure that is when we got new phones, so I think I simply found his old phone.  Why he would bury it in his trunk is beyond me, but I carefully put it back in hopes that if he ever has a REAL secret phone, this might be where he would hide it.    

On a positive note, we celebrated our fifth anniversary this weekend, and had a fabulous time together.  We are also taking a vacation in August (free accommodations and cheap air-fare), which I think will be a great way for us to see if we can reconnect more and for me to see if I can get back some of that lovin' feeling (I think I've lost it, really).  

Until next time... 

I'm back!

Wow, I cannot believe a month has passed since I last posted!  It has been busy... job changes for my husband, the death of a coworker, a whirlwind of emotions, but still no decision in sight for me.  I'm sorry I haven't updated in awhile, and I apologize again because I do not have time to write much now, but I PROMISE to fill you in sometime this week, when my husband goes back to work.  He's been off for the last two weeks, and for obvious reasons I do not want him to know about the existence of this blog, so I have to write on the sly.  So check back this week to find out about the cell phone I found in my husband's trunk, the $6,000 we have to pay his old company, and my run-in with an ex.  Until then...

Trickle-Truth

If you have been cheated on, you have most certainly heard the term "trickle-truth," and have probably experienced its meaning firsthand.  I tried to find an actual Webster-style definition on-line and could not find one, so I have created my own:

Trickle-truth (trik el - trooth), n. 1.  a series of verified or undisputable facts that flow in a slow, irregular manner out of the mouth of a person who was previously reluctant to tell the truth.  

2. the culmination of small bits of information shared by an unfaithful partner over an extended period of time, often in an attempt to protect either the unfaithful partner or the betrayed partner.  --v. 3. the act of initially lying by omission and/or denial but gradually letting the truth (or parts of it) be known. 

Oh, the pain of trickle-truth!  This whole experience would have been so much easier if Bill would have just come clean about EVERYTHING from the moment I first confronted him.  You have likely already digested the sheer number of lies, cover-ups, and moments of denial my husband told and displayed in the beginning.  In the last few weeks, I have threatened him with a lie-detector test.  I have explained to him that what I need from him more than anything right now is the TRUTH, in its entirety.  I need to hear everything there could possibly be to know, not only about his relations with Tramp, but about any shady thing he has done in his past.  I made it quite clear that if he were to tell me today that he has actually slept with not just one but two or three or even four people since we've been married, I might be able to forgive him; however, if that information were to come out six months, two years, or ten years from now, I would divorce him in an instant.  You see, right now, it is not so much about the sexual act of betrayal as it is about the lying.  

My husband seems remorseful and is doing everything "right" in terms of trying to reconcile, but if I find out that he is hiding more, it is over.  I have given him the chance to be honest, on many occasions, but he has given me trickle truth from the beginning.  He continues to swear he only slept with Tramp once, and maybe he is telling the truth about that:  I will probably never really know.  Surprisingly, a couple of weeks ago, I felt like we had a break-through.  I gave him one last chance to come clean about his past, and this is what he told me:

1.  In the fall of 2007, he attended a bachelor party out of town.  While at the bar, he ran into an old coworker who had been interested in him.  She invited him back to her hotel room, and he went.  They made-out and groped each other, and she wanted to sleep with him.  When he realized where it was going, he stopped her and walked out of the room, leaving her pissed off and alone.

2.  He "might have" kissed "a couple" of girls while we were dating.  We dated for 7 years before we got married.

3.  When we were engaged he joined a couple of dating websites.  He set up a web-cam and "chatted" in sexually explicit language with people he connected with on the sites.  He engaged in self-pleasuring behavior and viewed the same via web-cam.  This behavior occurred periodically over the course of several months.  He never met anyone locally and had no intention of doing so.  (In fact, I once caught him pleasuring himself to a web-cam around this time-frame.  I almost broke off our engagement at the time, but he swore it was the first time he had ever done it, that he felt so guilty, that he would never do it again, blah, blah, blah.  And the sucker that I am, I believed him.  Which is why I am so worried about being a sucker again.)

4.  He did not meet with Tramp outside of their business meetings.  However, on one particular night when I was out of town with the children, Bill and Tramp tried to arrange for her to get a last-minute flight to our city so they could enjoy one another's company at a local hotel.  Their plans fell through when they realized how expensive the flight would be.

Believe it or not, after hearing this "truth" trickle out, I felt a lot better about us.  His ability to tell and own the truth made me feel like we might have a chance.  Weird, huh?  The thing is, there may well be more that could "trickle" out over time.  And that is why trickle-truth is so damaging, because every time you find out you were lied to once again (even if its lying by omission), you start the roller-coaster ride to hell and back all over again. 

On another note, I found our on-line cell-phone records (Bill was smart enough to have our phone company stop sending paper statements, and he set up an on-line billing account, which I discovered by checking his e-mail recently).  I spent several hours last week pouring over the records from October through the present time, and I found out the following:

1.  The sheer number of texts sent between Tramp and Bill were enough to make me vomit.  From October through Feb. 7th, they must have texted one another 50 to 100 times a day.  I don't even know how they found time to eat.  They texted throughout our family Christmas Eve celebration, Christmas Day, our New Year's Eve hotel get-away... 

2.  Bill was telling the truth about the fact that they did not talk over the phone during their affair.  There were no incoming or outgoing calls between the two of them, only text messages.

3.  The last incoming/outgoing texts to/from Tramp were on the day of my discovery (D-Day, Feb. 7th).  He has not sent or received a text (or call) to/from her since.

Point 1. made me sick.  Points 2. and 3. reassured me. 

But I am still in limbo.  Am I crazy?

An "Aha!" moment - but not of the Oprah variety

I think I understand now why some women stay in abusive relationships:  their significant other screws up, begs for forgiveness, promises to change, and things might seem good for awhile, until it happens again, and the cycle repeats itself.  How many of us have said, "I would leave the first time I got hit.  That is a deal-breaker!"?  Likewise, how many of us have said, "I would leave if my husband/wife EVER cheated on me.  That is a deal-breaker!"? 

 I am not trying to compare the pain of being cheated on to the immense trauma of being abused, but I do think there are some parallels.  We all want to believe in the inner-goodness of a person, in his/her ability to change.  We don't want to let go of what we have built together, of the good times we have shared. We worry about how we will support ourselves and/or our children if we leave, and about the long-term affects our decisions will have.  Our self-esteem diminishes.  We wonder if we will ever be able to trust another human being again.  We are in emotional turmoil, and wish the clouds above would part, making way for a message from above, a finger pointing us in the right decision.  We can't believe we are in this situation, having to make decisions that might defy our core principals, like the decision to stay.

No, I am not pretending to understand what it is like to be abused.  But I do understand what it is like to be in a situation that you never dreamed you would be in, and that is where I find myself today. 

So, I am asking you not to judge those who make decisions you think you would never make. And I pray you never look down only to find yourself standing in the shoes of the very people whom you once judged.

And I have still not changed my shoes.  I am standing in them, standing in limbo, looking around carefully, and calculating my next move.